A Frog In My Soup

Depression. It’s such an ugly and nasty word to me, dark and dirty and not something I truly understood even though I’d battled fear and anxiety to some level for most of my life. Time flies by, circumstances and situations in day to day life change, life moves forward at lightning speed, and it’s all we can do to keep up sometimes… what some know and many don’t, is that for several years I didn’t keep up at all, I was fighting a losing battle.

I never in a million years would have thought it was possible for me to sink as low as I did. Nor could I have imagined what depression can truly do to your mind, body and soul – it’s literally like poison. It’s devastating beyond imagination, and the worst part is, I had no idea how bad it was, or how deep, until it was too late.

The Perfect Storm…

There are many different things that contributed to the depression and darkness I went through. My husband and I have spent a fair amount of time talking about it in depth recently. I am deeply analytical, and there have slowly been many pieces to the puzzle made clear to me during the healing process.

The old house was a huge factor, there was a lot more to it than that, but I believe it was one of the main triggers to set everything in motion. My husband and I refer to it as the “perfect storm”, where everything aligned in just the right way to send me spiraling into the abyss. I still cry when I think of what we were living in compared to now. I wish I could have bloomed in the old house, but in many ways I died there instead.

My usual response as I say that, would be to cringe and say that I must just not have been as good as everyone else… those who can make it work, and live, and grow, and be truly totally happy in a situation like that. But the truth is, I’m not entirely sure anyone really could have, and it’s simply just time I stop beating myself up over it.

At the time, I wasn’t aware of how very physically depleted I was, the battle that was raging within my body left my mind vulnerable. My emotions were constantly on edge, life was stressful, and I felt that I was failing in every important area of my life, especially as a parent.

But I wouldn’t let anyone see it…

I can’t fully explain the deep and destructive effects depression has on the heart, mind and soul; the absolute and utter uselessness one feels when going through it, and how unbelievably disillusioned one can be when living in that level of darkness. [Read More...]