Anyone who is a parent…and who’s willing to be honest…will tell you that parenting has no absolutes. I’ve been a mom long enough to know that one positive result to a particular parenting strategy doesn’t mean that I’ve found the perfect method for all my children.
I remember when our first son was just a baby, most of our friends, and frankly, most of the young parents in our church, had all adopted one particular parenting method based on one person’s beliefs about children and how to raise them. They used this method faithfully and revered this book almost like the Bible itself. They had classes and discussions based on these methods as well. My husband and I were the odd ones who didn’t follow this ritual of parenting. We weren’t treated that way by our friends, but we knew the method would not work for us and frankly we felt that it was very unbalanced and that was not how we wanted to begin our career as parents.
Over the years, I have found that most parents typically fall into one of three parenting statements:
- I have it all figured out.
- I have no idea what I’m doing.
- Just taking it one day at a time.
Today, I’m going to talk about the “I have it all figured out” parent.
The “I have it all figured out” parents are ones who typically (a) haven’t had their baby yet or (b) have a very mellow easygoing baby/child. Not all parents with easy babies fall into this category, but the ones who do feel this way unfortunately tend to share their “expertise” often. They also do NOT understand that their child and parenting experience is the exception not the rule, and that most families simply cannot function or have the same results they have had.
Now, before I go any further with this one, I would like to clarify that the parents that fall into this group are SELF PROCLAIMED perfect parents. Most of us know at least one family where the parents truly are an amazing example of great parenting…I can guarantee you these parents do not typically see themselves as perfect and it’s their humility that makes them even better with their kids.
The “I have it all figured out” attitude is actually a very dangerous one to have. These parents tend to alienate a lot of the people around them. Not only because of their superior attitude, but let’s face it, most of us want friends that are real! We want friends who live in the same reality we do, with challenges in life and parenting, and who know they don’t have the most perfect child in the world.
If being alienated isn’t bad enough, the other danger with this attitude in parenting is that at some point…something, somehow, somewhere along the way (it may be when they have a second child, may be when they have a teen or adult child, or may not be until they have a grandchild) will NOT go according to this parent’s perfect history or plan. Suddenly they will NOT have it all figured out and they will feel completely lost and often very alone.
Later this week, I’m going to publish part two of this post. In Part 2, I’ll talk about the details of the remaining two styles of parents as well as some final thoughts and great resources.
In the meantime, which type of parent do you see yourself as? Are there any parents you know that you look up to? If so, why?
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June 7th, 2009 at 6:10 pm 1
Oooh this is an interesting topic to discuss! As a step-mom (none of my own but three terrific step-kids), I have a different approach…..I try to “augment” their bio-mom (who is great), not replace her, but still offer to them my own unique viewpoints in order that they might learn some ‘balance’ by seeing issues from multiple perspectives, not just one…..I agree that there is no single “right” way to be a parent, everyone has to figure out what works for their kids & lifestyle….but I have noticed that the parents who think they are “perfect” generally push their kids so hard to achieve that the kids turn into over-stressed, over-stimulated, spoiled, self-centered therapy-patients-in-waiting……too sad……
June 7th, 2009 at 11:25 pm 2
I tagged you on my blog,so please stop by when you have a chance!
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June 8th, 2009 at 7:12 am 3
Trisha,
I love your comment from the perspective of a step-parent! Thank you so much for sharing your great thoughts! Oh, and you’re totally right about the effects on the child, I didn’t get into that much, but having to maintain that perfect image definitely does affect the children!
June 8th, 2009 at 2:04 pm 4
Shera, I’m definitely taking parenting one day at a time. With 4 children under the age of 7, life is usually one unexpected moment after the other. However, I’m an avid parenting book reader. I consider parenting my main job and I want to learn how to do it better all the time. I have to confess that parents who think they know it all really get under my skin:). I admire parents who are purposeful and humble.
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June 8th, 2009 at 3:40 pm 5
Stacie,
It definitely sounds like you have a great attitude about parenting. I think that there are tons of great books out there and I’ll be talking more about my approach to them when I post part 2 on Thursday. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!!!
June 9th, 2009 at 5:30 am 6
Definitely taking it one day at a time! My old church was full of those know it all types and they all seemed to get along with each other very well so I always felt like the odd one out.
June 9th, 2009 at 11:47 pm 7
Ok, while I don’t think I was ever arrogant or a know-it-all (I have too much common sense for that) I did think I was a pretty darn good parent until my second child came along . . . he was/is a handful and it seriously humbled me.
By the way I am a mom of six boys as well!
Michelles last blog post..Homemade Lasagne
June 10th, 2009 at 7:19 am 8
Gretchen,
I always feel so bad when I see that. There were definitely times at the very beginning that we felt that way as well…odd one out thing…since every single one of our friends were using the other “method”. Funny thing is that 9 out of 10 of them stopped using that method rather quickly as the babies started getting a little older or as they added to their family.
Of course that isn’t quite the same as the know-it-all attitude we can so often see, but the fact that they all band together to do what they deem the “perfect” parenting method puts it in the same boat.
It can be just so hard to be the one that feels like you’re on the outside looking in, but I guarantee you, thinking you have it all figured out is NOT a healthy place to be.
Hugs!!!
June 10th, 2009 at 7:24 am 9
Michelle,
First of all…YAY! Another mom with 6 boys! I have never met another mom who has 6 boys (and no girls thrown in too), so I have to admit it is very exciting LOL.
Anyway, our oldest son was such a breeze…he was easy, slept anywhere and was very healthy. Our second son looked like he was going to be that way too…until he got sick at 3 months. Then all the sleeping and happiness was a lot more challenging for all of us. So, I can totally relate.