I once was known simply as Shera. The oldest of 3 girls (and later 2 brothers). The girl with the unique laugh and who smiles a lot. For the last 13 1/2 years though, my role has been defined more and more as a mom and less and less as Shera.
It isn’t uncommon for moms to lose a bit (or a lot) of themselves along the way. To suddenly find one day that most people know them as the mom of so-and-so, not knowing who we were before children or who we are when the children aren’t around.
As you reach this realization, you may feel many different ways, but many of us end up feeling a little lost. It is also very common for moms who have suddenly “lost” themselves to begin the search…the search for “me”.
I’d like to suggest something potentially unique today…you can find yourself through motherhood, you just need to know where to look. It really isn’t about going back and trying to reclaim who you were once upon a time, it’s about realizing that we all become different people through the years and we just need to redefine what it means to be the woman we are today (which may very well be defined primarily by my status as a mom) and understand that although this moment is fleeting it will define who we continue to become.
Your life isn’t over, you don’t have to achieve everything you dream of right now. It’s ok to wait until your children are a little older to pursue those things that suddenly seem very important for you to do! Being right here, but wishing I was over there is the angst of many moms…whether they are willing to admit it or not. Just when that feeling becomes almost unbearable is the moment when we need to take a step back and re-evaluate why we feel that way.
I was shocked recently when I felt like I was trapped in my own motherhood. Shocked! All I ever wanted to do was be a mom…I chose to be a stay-at-home mom to completely raise them and instruct them…yet here I was, suddenly dissatisfied with “just” being a mom when I saw all that the other women were doing around me.
Wake up call: What better thing in this world can I do? As far as eternal value is concerned, I could not do anything better than to invest my time and energy into the 6 young men that I will someday send out into the world. It’s what I’ve been called to do! I have been given these children merely for a short season in life…though it may seem long to me now…and I must rise to the challenge!
If you are feeling particularly lowly in your role as a mom I hope you will feel encouraged by what I’m sharing here today! I’m not perfect, I have huge gaping character flaws that I take before God daily (when I remember…see flawed).
If you have stopped seeing motherhood as the greatest gift in your life and have started wishing you could be doing other things instead, it might be time for a reality check! Here’s the bottom line…I can wait until next year or even 5 or 10 years from now to write that book, start that business or go on that trip!
Since God has given me this moment to be a mom, I guarantee that if I stop focusing on all I’m “missing out on” and start focusing on being the best woman I can be right now for my family, I’ll be able to do all the things in life that I could dream of ….and more!
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June 29th, 2009 at 9:33 am 1
This post is BEAUTIFUL. And that said, there are still ways to cultivate your interests and your desires while still being the best mom you can be. Finding that balance is key, I think. I’m happier now than I have been in years, between my mothering, my relationship with my husband, my writing and the show choir I auditioned for last fall. My mothering always comes first but… I like this life. A lot.
FireMoms last blog post..(Maybe) Raising Firefighters
June 29th, 2009 at 3:43 pm 2
Shera this is a great post! I definitely think that both your inward (self-perception) and outward identity change permanently (for the better) when you become a Mom but I do agree with FireMom that you should still also pursue (as much as you can, especially with six kids) your own interests and pursuits because that is a good lesson to teach your children – that a big part of life is to have dreams, set goals, and work towards them (and achieve them). Sharing what you dream and do with them is something they will remember as they become adults – it’s a very positive life-lesson gift to give them.
And of course I will always think of you as the very SMART mom I know with the GREAT laugh and positive can-do attitude!
Trisha at Travel Writers Exchanges last blog post..Isnare Article Submission and Distribution
June 30th, 2009 at 8:58 am 3
I agree that there is value for moms to have a bit of themselves outside of their kiddos, but there are many moms out there (who aren’t usually willing to admit it) who are a little burned out on motherhood and this is written for those who are feeling like the grass MUST be greener on the other side.
Also, the level of what you can or should be doing outside of your family changes all the time. Right now I blog, write for several other blogs, manage several other blogs and design blogs in addition to many other things which consumes a lot of my time.
I may not have explained where I was coming from as well as I intended, but all in all it is definitely a matter of balance (like FireMom said) and similar to my recent parenting articles, the balancing act is always changing as the needs of the family changes.
It’s about knowing where your priorities are and not losing focus on that. This is simply written from the heart of a mom who has recently lost perspective and is just now getting that in check.
I witnessed firsthand the blind frustration of another busy mom who was so busy reaching for the next monumental thing she could do, all while openly saying that she regrets that she isn’t spending much time with her preschool aged children. And in that moment I realized she was almost a mirror of my choices and desires, and that I was giving up time my kids needed from me right now…and ultimately that it is ok for me let go and live in the moment!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts ladies!
July 1st, 2009 at 9:21 am 4
Thank you so much for your post. I stumbled across your blog at the csahm.com site and it blessed my heart.
You see, I am not a Stay at Home mom…..yet. I am leaving the workforce (after having a job since the time I was 16 and I am now 34) soon to raise my, now, 11 month old son.
I thought I wanted to be a career mom (not that there is anything wrong with that) but I felt God calling me to “just be a mom” and reading your post has encouraged me to see that that is a wonderful and inspiring “job”! And I should feel proud of myself for choosing to raise my son.
Thank you again.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm 5
You are so right! This time with your boys is so valuable for them and you, enjoy it to the fullest! Four of my five are grown men now. When I look back, I miss nothing but their little boy faces. There is nothing I could have accomplished that would have been more important than being with them…being their mom. God bless your time with them.
Charlottes last blog post..A piece of my testimony… a piece of my heart