This weekend we celebrated the 4th of July – Independence Day and I definitely have had that word on my mind. One of the couples that came to our house on Saturday has a little 2 year old girl who is very independent…almost as independent as my Twinkies. She spent the afternoon trying to explore everything from one side of our massive yard to the forest on the other side…and even the dirt in between.
She often found herself redirected or scooped up and hauled away though if she tried to touch anything, especially dirt or sand. As the only child for this couple as well as the only grandchild for that entire family, she is watched like a hawk. Her mom and dad are still trying to figure out this whole parenting thing and tend to see most things as potentially evil.
My hubby and I were talking about it later and were reminded of how very over-protective you are with your first child. Not to say that you don’t protect all your other kids too, but it’s different. With your first child, you’re protecting them from all the possible evils that may (or may not) exist…in your mind anyway.
Just wait though, it is exhausting to keep up the vigil day and night. Then one day you realize that there’s nothing wrong with a little one sitting down in a pile of dirt and playing hard…even putting some in their mouth (GASP). As a brand new parent with your first child, that is unthinkable and horrid! After a while you do eventually realize that everything and everyone is not out to kill them.
Once you have more than one child, although you still watch them like a hawk, your attention is divided. At that moment though, you begin to see them interact with their world through new eyes and it is an amazing process. I daily watch as my very independent twins take on the world. They do it with vigor and gusto and complete abandon.
They still (even at age 3) have no clue that life is fragile. I have nearly had ten zillion heart attacks to prove their lack of fear. For a while they were convinced that the reason they were not allowed to play in the front yard is because the road is THE funnest place on earth to play…and they were forever trying to sneak away to get to the road.
They are convinced that climbing a mountain is something that must be on their “to do” list. They have been informed that they are welcome to climb the mountain…when they are as big as Daddy! They discuss this at length every time we drive to my parents’ house. They can clearly see a huge group of mountains as we get within 5 minutes of my parents’ place and the discussion begins…”Mommy, we’re going to climb the mountains.” “Can we climb the mountain today Mommy?” “We have to be big to climb the mountain.” “Mommy, I’m bigger, can I climb the mountain?”….on and on it goes.
It’s probably a good thing that the Twinkies were our 5th and 6th sons. If they had been our first, I think we would have lost our minds (LOL). Independence is simply not something that is going to go away with them. As they get older, they are going to be more and more independent, but in their case that will probably lead them into high mountains and deep oceans (you have no idea how much I’m not kidding here). I will not at all be surprised if they choose lives of adventure as adults, particularly Monkey (though Bugs might be happy to tag along for the ride).
Independence can be good…or bad, it’s all in how we look at it and handle it (how’s that for a contradicting segue?). If I try to stifle every ounce of independence I see in them, to keep them safe or out of trouble, they will rebel in frustration and I will be overwhelmed and frustrated too. If I give them too much independence, they will not learn lessons that even at a young age can help them for life.
Of course, balance is SOOO the key here! If I allow my children to be just independent enough, but still know their boundaries, they will see the world as an absolutely incredible place and it even opens up amazing opportunities for me to teach them so much more, especially about God and His creation. It’s sometimes hard to remember to look at the world through the eyes of a child, but when we do, we can be much more effective as parents too!
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July 6th, 2009 at 11:06 am 1
“It’s sometimes hard to remember to look at the world through the eyes of a child, but when we do, we can be much more effective as parents too!”
I totally agree with this! On the Fourth of July we had plans to go see fireworks in the evening. Unfortunately, one of my children got sick and we could not go. My oldest was so disappointed because she had been looking forward to it. She cried and said how “unfair” it was. Initially, I was upset for making her sister feel bad. However, I then put myself in her eight year old shoes and tried to remind myself how it felt to be disappointed at that age. This made it much easier to deal with the situation.
July 6th, 2009 at 5:59 pm 2
What a great skill you have Shera, to be able to look objectively at the actions of the new parents who were visiting, contract that “new parent” behavior with your greater experience, and see the need for balance in wanting to protect your kids from everything vs. letting them learn a few lessons on their own (like the fact that dirt just doesn’t taste that good!).
I think that teaching children independence (within age-appropriate limits of course – or rather letting them learn it since it’s a hard concept to “teach”) is one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids -because it teaches them how to confidently make decisions, a skill that will benefit them greatly in life. It can be simple things when they are very young, like letting them choose what outfit to don (avoiding “yes or no” situations by giving them “either or” instead), and yes sometimes it means letting them “discover” things on their own too…..with mom/dad/family watching but not necessarily “stopping” them…..
I LOVE reading your articles Shera as it brings back SO many memories from when my three step-kids were toddlers – now that they are all grown I can relive those wonderful (and sometimes painful) moments vicariously through your blog posts….keep ‘em coming!
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July 7th, 2009 at 9:59 pm 3
Thank you so much for chiming in ladies!
Tara: I absolutely have to admit that I’m the kind of parent that really does tend to look at life very logically…not objectively as I should. Sometimes I suddenly have an epiphany (or I have the same one over and over LOL) that helps bring me back into balance and this was definitely one of those moments.
Trisha: LOLOL! I have tons of material…just always seem to forget to write it down. As always, thank you so much for the encouragement.