The heart…

The heart begins beating less than a month after conception and continues (of course) until the day of our death. It is one of the most incredible muscles of the body and was perfectly designed.

It is what we refer to not only for it’s technical life giving aspect, but also in regards to relationships, love, feelings, and much more. I guess you could say that much of our lives rotate around the heart.

When the heart begins to fail… both physically and relationally it is a major wake up call. In the physical aspect we have been thrown a few curveballs lately.

As we begin to tackle a major heart condition with my Father-In-Law as well as a problem with high blood pressure for my husband it has made me think about the relational side of the heart as well. For my husband, we are hoping that a simple diet change will solve the issue. For my father-in-law however, many tests and at least one surgery are staring him in the face.

Through it all I have realized how easy it is to let things go. Not just physically, but relationally as well. I love my husband more now than I did the day we were married, 17 years ago. But I’m realizing that even I have been very lacking in the romance department (I know…gasp!).

When we were first married I told him I loved him all the time, kisses weren’t few and far between. So many years later I know we have fallen into that comfortable place of just dwelling, living life day to day and not realizing that we don’t say how we feel out loud very often anymore.

So, I will continue on with what needs to be done in our now even busier every day lives, but with a little reminder of the importance of sharing the other matters of the heart as well.

Ladies, today I’m going to challenge you with something that may be uncomfortable for some of you.

Do not parent your husband.

I could leave it at that and tell you to take what you will from it…and if that sentence is all you take away from this post, I’m great with that.

For those of you who need a little more explanation though, I’ll keep going.

It is absolutely not your job to parent, boss, reprimand or in any way try to tell your hubby how it is or how it is going to be. Especially in public.

Still with me?

It’s so important that we are respectful.  Does that mean that we cannot disagree with him?  Absolutely not.  But how we handle it is key!

What you say and how you say it most definitely reflects to others…whether it’s your children or other people around you.  You husband was created to be the leader of your home, that doesn’t mean he’s to lord over you, but to demean him is to remove that from him completely.

Some women may actually be thinking that’s a good thing, but I can promise you this…it will destroy many facets of your relationship and even your family structure.  I don’t have a technical explanation or a fancy mumbo jumbo name for it, it’s just the simple truth.

Yet another one of those things that are Biblically laid out for us…those are my favorites.  The kind of scriptures that tell us how to live and all we have to do is listen and things will go swimmingly.

and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping (Proverbs 19:13b)

Or maybe this one…

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:33)

Of course, I could go on and on…but I won’t. Here’s the deal though, these instructions are definitely NOT to belittle you, trap you, make you feel like the lesser mate. They are completely to protect you.

Can I just admit that when I mess up and am less than lovely to my husband I think it’s me who incurs the most damage in the end.  I don’t have a husband that will degrade me or return the action at all, but the look of hurt and the knowledge of what I have just done is horrible!

Can I just encourage you to focus a bit on how you are regarding your husband this next week, especially in public and in front of your children?  If you do mess up, simply ask for forgiveness (from your hubby and God) and move on.

I pray that your marriage is blessed!

This weekend I went on a Women’s retreat to a small little town a few hours from where we live.  One of the little restaurants in the town has lots of fun sayings painted on their walls.  One of them stuck in my head and made me laugh…”Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate!”

I say a hearty amen to that…but, it is absolutely no reflection on how I feel about my husband or marriage.  It also isn’t that I like chocolate more than love.

Ladies, we do not “fall” into love.  Sure, there are some of us who had an instant attraction to our husband.  Some of you may have felt like it was love at first sight.  But almost without exception all married couples spent at least some time getting to know each other and laying a foundation for their relationship before tying the knot.

Let’s face it though, the butterflies we felt every time our husband walked into the room when we were dating and first married do diminish over time.  I’m not saying I don’t still get them…I do!  But to live each day expecting to feel warm and fuzzy every moment in my marriage and life is totally unrealistic!

Just as we do not “fall” into love, we cannot fall out of it.  If we are not careful though, we sometimes make choices that can cause us to grow apart.  Marriage can be challenging, difficult, overwhelming and possibly at times the situation may even seem almost unbearable.  There are many women who feel like walking away and not looking back, but the women who have guts, strength and commitment, do stick it out…and reap the rewards.

May I encourage you to look for the moments to treasure in your relationship with your husband.  Don’t look for the warm fuzzies, don’t expect him to bring home special surprises for you all the time (consider yourself very blessed if he does), and don’t expect him to romance you all the time.

As women, we tend to focus on what HE does (or doesn’t do) to show his love and be romantic.  Guys aren’t built that way though.  When things are feeling especially cold between the two of you, be honest and ask yourself what you have done lately to show your love.  The answer may surprise you.

Men and women are built so differently.  When a relationship is new it doesn’t take much for him to please you, but as time goes on women tend to look for more from their husband than he is really built to know to offer.  Remember, they really cannot read your mind or magically know what you want, need or expect, you have to actually talk about those things with him (but make sure they are realistic before you approach him).

Pray about any issues you feel the two of you have in this department, do not focus on your needs, but try to look outside yourself and make sure that you haven’t developed an attitude of disrespect, frustration, animosity, etc.  That will absolutely affect the way you feel about your marriage, and as “half the party”, that can make all the difference in the world!

If we lived in a perfect world, we wouldn’t forget to treasure each day we have with our spouse and family.  It would come naturally and they would never be taken for granted.

But we don’t live in a perfect world, and all too often I find myself forgetting to treasure each day with my family.  All of us have that one thing that tends to remind us of our mortality.  For me, it’s anything I do that takes me away from my family overnight.

As you can imagine, it’s been on my mind a lot this last week or so as I prepare to go to New York.  Spending a little more quality time with my family and treasuring each moment has definitely been happening a lot for me.

I’ve been especially trying to make time to just be with my husband each day.  Even if it’s for only a few minutes, as long as it’s just the two of us, I’m content to spend time talking and hanging out with him.  Thankfully, this is something that we do a lot, but not always on purpose.

Today, I just wanted to take a moment to remind you to spend a little time treasuring those you love.   I know it sounds a little corny, but the fact remains that we don’t know what tomorrow holds so we need to relish each moment today!

One of the first and biggest stress factors for couples is often finances. Almost all of us will struggle with finances at some point in our marriage, and how we handle this can define everything. I have to ask one question though…outside of a spouse lying about finances, how is your relationship with your husband really connected to your finances?

Our relationship as a husband and wife is a heart connection…not a financial one. I didn’t marry my husband for his money (LOL). Sure, financial issues have to be resolved, but money isn’t emotional. Sure, there is a deeper issue if one or the other of you is lying about what you are doing financially, but that’s a totally different issue than what I’m talking about here. The reality is that marriage isn’t about money.

If you’re going through a particularly difficult financial time, try to remove that stress from the relationship parts of your life. If you need help with your finances, there are plenty of great books out there that address it, but when you and your husband can set aside time for a solution meeting for your finances, emotions need to be left behind.

I know this is challenging! I cannot tell you how many times I have let finances affect my mood negatively. When that happens, everyone pays…my husband and my children because the saying that “when mom isn’t happy, no one’s happy” is sadly not far off base. I continually have to remember to give things (especially financial) to God. I cannot do anything about it in that moment, but I can do something about my mood.

Here’s some tips to help you get your finances in check and separate them from your marriage relationship.
(more…)

If you feel that the spark has gone out of your marriage, I seriously encourage you to take a deep, long look at your schedule….is there room for just the two of you in it?

If you answered no, then you need to rethink your schedule.  Even if it is just a quiet hour in the evening where the two of you can “hang out” together and chat, read the Bible, talk about the day and even discuss any family matters that need to be talked about.

Much of your relationship with your husband will actually be built more by the little everyday moments of connection that the two of you have.  Maintaining a connection of peaceful communication is such a huge element for couples. When you’re not in the habit of doing something (even if you once were), it can be terribly hard to change.  Little things though can make all the difference in the world.

One of the little things that my hubby and I do to connect sometimes when things feel especially chaotic is to join the other one on the couch.  We have one recliner, so typically one of us sits on the couch in the living room when we’re all hanging out.  It’s kind of fun (though unbelievably simple) when one of us is sitting on the couch and the other one clears a path in order to sit next to each other.

If our kids are up, this can be especially challenging…and rewarding, since the littlest three are always covering and surrounding the parent on the couch.  I know it seems terribly silly and simple, but it is a great way for us to connect.

The point is, connecting with your husband on a daily basis isn’t a huge deal!  It doesn’t take a ton of planning, it’s realizing you have a moment and taking full advantage of it.

Giving him a random hug.  Looking in his eyes and placing your hand on his arm as he tells you about his day when he returns home from work (can I see a show of hands for all the ladies that tend to be doing housework or finishing up dinner when this conversation happens? not a lot of communication and eye contact there).  Having a special dessert for him “just because”.  Sitting by him on the couch.  All simple but effective ways to connect with each other if even for a moment.

Don’t go through a day, or especially days on end where you don’t connect as a couple.  It’s shockingly easy to do and get in the habit of.

Would you go through an entire day without interacting with one of your (non-adult) children?  How would that make you feel?  How much more should you nurture the lifelong relationship you have with the man you married?

Just a thought.

In my post the other day I mentioned that I’d be adding this new column here soon, so I wanted to tell you a little bit about it and what to expect.  I’m still working on a fun little name for this column at A Frog In My Soup (feel free to leave suggestions), but I have to say that it is something that I’m somewhat passionate about.

It is yet another element of meeting the needs of moms right where they are at, which is the ultimate mission here at A Frog In My Soup (and something you’ll be seeing a lot more of around here).   The funny thing is that until recently I didn’t consider myself a good candidate for sharing with others about marriage.

You may laugh at that statement, after all I’ve been married for 16 years to an amazing man and in most respects it has been a very easy path for us.  But that right there is what made me feel “unqualified”…marriage has been so easy for us…or has it?  That’s when I realized that, although it has seemed easy, there are some basic principles in place in our marriage that make it seem that way.

Sure, personality is a HUGE component of how a marriage ebbs and flows over time, but so is attitude and many other components.

Because of the big gap in ages from our oldest to our youngest children, we mix with a very varied group of married couples.  Some have been married only a few years and a couple of them have been married longer than we have.  So you can imagine we see a ton of different situations.

I want you to know a couple things…

• I am not a marriage counselor, simply drawing from many years of marriage.  This column is NOT a substitute for marriage counseling in any way.
• What I share is from personal experience and I will also try to draw from Biblical principles as I share with you.
• This column will keep with the whole “family friendly” promise I am committed to at A Frog In My Soup.  This means that if your children are reading over your shoulder and you scroll down to the marriage column on the home page there will be nothing there you would be embarrassed for them to read.  If we do touch on a…well…shall we say “touchy” subject, the word “touchy” will be in the title and the sections with the sensitive material will not appear on the home page…it will only appear on the post’s individual page.  Make sense?  You should probably know that even then,  don’t expect things to get too spicy LOL.

There is no one right way to handle your marriage and relationships.  Every single marriage is unique, no two are alike, but there are definitely similarities in possible issues and attitudes within a marriage.  That is what we will be talking about.

There are some gals close to me that I’ll have chime in on the subject from time to time.  I cannot stress enough though that all of us will be simply sharing from the heart and from experience, not from expertise.

It is very likely that you will be challenged in your way of thinking, especially if you are having a difficult time in your marriage.  The suggestions and thoughts we have on various aspects of marriage may be uncomfortable for you.  Again though, we will always try to come from a Biblical perspective.

You might be very surprised to be reading this since I never present ideas and topics that are potentially controversial, but don’t expect us to “interpret” the Bible based on culturally acceptable principles…to quote one my my hubby’s favorite sayings, “it is what it is”.   You can’t change the Bible because it’s uncomfortable for you or doesn’t quite jive with what our culture sees as acceptable.

Like I said, this is a topic I’m somewhat passionate about and maybe it’s for that reason I’ve never talked much about it on this blog.  Maybe it’s because I know that marriage is such a touchy subject in our culture.  I don’t know exactly, but with a little encouragement from a few friends, I have decided to take a “leap of faith”.

I don’t want you to think that everything I present will be “controversial”!  On the contrary, most of it will be little encouragements and reminders!

Hubby and I went away for the weekend.  It was for a wedding, but we made it a “trip!”.  Just the two of us for three whole days (almost) and oh-my-goodness was it ever nice.  Yes we missed the kids.  I had never been away from the twins overnight so that was a smidge nervewracking, but all in all it was a wonderful, relaxing and connecting weekend.  And to answer all your questions . . . yes, we found PLENTY to talk about other than our children! 

So I find myself Tackling a Tuesday this week.  A strange tackle to be sure, but I know I’m not the only mom who has major damage control to do after a weekend away!  It’s not just getting the kiddos back on track with their routine and home-life, but it’s the overwhelming catching up on laundry, cleaning and such after such a weekend that can be the “straw that broke the camel’s back”. 

I’m trying to stay positive and maintain the wonderful outlook on life and family that I gained during our weekend away . . . how long will it last?  I simply need to stick to the plan, maintain my focus.  I almost feel like I’m a player on a sports team (LOL) and have to “keep my eye on the ball”.   It is so easy for me to get distracted by everything around me and I simply must keep the focus I have established. 

I would like to begin making a schedule for myself each day.  I often end up feeling like I didn’t accomplish anything and that really stinks.

So this week I’m tackling coming home, getting laundry done (ha), getting everyone back on track with the routine, get my meals printed out for the next week (thank goodness I don’t have to completely tackle that task, it’s done for me woohoo!) and catch up on designs.  Oh, and I almost forgot, I also need to compose another review/giveaway to begin tomorrow!  Whew!  And when I’m done with all that I’m going to try to grab a cup of coffee and sit down to visit each and every one of your blogs so I can say hello to all of my wonderful readers!

What are you tackling this week?  For more tackles be sure to visit 5 Minutes for Mom!