Depression. It’s such an ugly and nasty word to me, dark and dirty and not something I truly understood even though I’d battled fear and anxiety to some level for most of my life. Time flies by, circumstances and situations in day to day life change, life moves forward at lightning speed, and it’s all we can do to keep up sometimes… what some know and many don’t, is that for several years I didn’t keep up at all, I was fighting a losing battle.
I never in a million years would have thought it was possible for me to sink as low as I did. Nor could I have imagined what depression can truly do to your mind, body and soul – it’s literally like poison. It’s devastating beyond imagination, and the worst part is, I had no idea how bad it was, or how deep, until it was too late.
The Perfect Storm…
There are many different things that contributed to the depression and darkness I went through. My husband and I have spent a fair amount of time talking about it in depth recently. I am deeply analytical, and there have slowly been many pieces to the puzzle made clear to me during the healing process.
The old house was a huge factor, there was a lot more to it than that, but I believe it was one of the main triggers to set everything in motion. My husband and I refer to it as the “perfect storm”, where everything aligned in just the right way to send me spiraling into the abyss. I still cry when I think of what we were living in compared to now. I wish I could have bloomed in the old house, but in many ways I died there instead.
My usual response as I say that, would be to cringe and say that I must just not have been as good as everyone else… those who can make it work, and live, and grow, and be truly totally happy in a situation like that. But the truth is, I’m not entirely sure anyone really could have, and it’s simply just time I stop beating myself up over it.
At the time, I wasn’t aware of how very physically depleted I was, the battle that was raging within my body left my mind vulnerable. My emotions were constantly on edge, life was stressful, and I felt that I was failing in every important area of my life, especially as a parent.
But I wouldn’t let anyone see it…
I can’t fully explain the deep and destructive effects depression has on the heart, mind and soul; the absolute and utter uselessness one feels when going through it, and how unbelievably disillusioned one can be when living in that level of darkness.
I can tell you two things for sure:
- There is hope (there is always hope my friends), you won’t feel like there is, and if you’re in the place I was you likely want to sarcastically laugh in my face at that statement, but it’s the truth.
- No one, not even those closest to you, understand what’s going on if you don’t tell them. Even then, they may not truly know what to do, or understand the depth of what you’re dealing with, but you have to try.
I internalize everything. I hate being a bother, a pest, a nag, a nuisance or a burden. If I ever feel that anything (and I mean anything) I need to say could be perceived as any of those things, I will not say it. I will hint (much to my dear husband’s dismay)… I will mention in passing… but I will not come right out, and get in front of you, and make sure you hear and understand what I need to convey.
Even though those around me may not have known for sure what to do, they would have stepped up and walked with me to see it resolved earlier. I can honestly say, I don’t believe it would have gone on as long, or been as bad as it was if they’d only known. Instead, I hid it as much as I could, and pretended I was ok as I was smothering in the overwhelming darkness, and it finally almost consumed me.
Hope??? Yes, hope…
Today, I can say that although I’m far from perfect, I am happy. I feel more connected to my family, I have re-discovered hope, faith and life. A new perspective has been given to me, and it’s as though I’m seeing the world, my family and my future through new eyes, as the darkness lifts and light filters in.
Before I go further, I feel I must say that I still struggle. I am still healing and recovering, and there are occasionally moments when the darkness threatens me. If you’ve been through it, you know what I mean… if you haven’t, I truly hope you never understand.
I still have moments of fear and doubt. I daily have to remind myself to keep my eyes on the road ahead because the road behind me only holds darkness and grief. I somehow have always believed I am not allowed to make mistakes, in my mind depression was unacceptable, and I struggle to truly forgive myself. But I must embrace the truth, the light and the hope that lies before me. I must let go of the past and move on… not looking back only forward.
It’s all about perspective…
As with nearly anything in life, it’s often all about perspective. If you try to be supermom, try to fit into everyone’s perception of what your life should be, try to fix everything on your own and make it all look perfect, you’re setting yourself up for disaster. The world around us often makes us think that we are the only one struggling.
“Everyone else seems to have it together, so there must be something wrong with me!” That’s how the lies begin…
Perfection is unattainable! We know this, but yet still keep on striving for the impossible… stop it! In the midst of even one morning in my crazy life, I can look closely and see the beauty in my chaos, and I encourage you to look, seek, scour, search and downright dig for that beauty in your own life every single day! I promise you it’s there.
The Important list of Do’s and Do Not’s!
- Don’t look for or strive for perfection, just love on your family and live your life in simplicity doing what you can do, not what you feel the world expects you to do.
- Do life to the best of your ability, but do not strive to be something or someone you are not.
- Don’t compare yourself to others.
- Don’t allow negativity to consume your life.
- Absolutely don’t tell yourself that you’re a burden to others if you share your struggles.
- Most of all, DO talk about what’s going on, share your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we need to lean on our loved ones for strength, they want to be there for you and support you, especially when you can’t continue on your own.
The Truth About the Lies…
The biggest lie for me was feeling like I wasn’t wanted… I knew I was needed by a lot of people, but I needed to be wanted. I felt invisible as a person beyond meeting my family’s daily needs. I was too afraid of being a nag or a bother if I brought up my feelings. It saddens me to look back and realize that, if I had simply sat down, and really shared how I was feeling, my husband could easily have set me straight. It was a negatively impacting and completely life altering decision to keep it to myself. I truly hope others don’t make the same mistake I did.
My hope for anyone reading this today is to walk away knowing that you absolutely are not alone (don’t believe the lie that you are the only one or that you aren’t good enough). You need to understand that you are beautiful and beyond valuable (if you do not understand your worth, you are accepting lies).
There are people out there who can, and want, to help you. The people around you, the ones you may be hiding your true struggles from, want to walk beside you and help you get free from the pain and darkness of depression. But you have to reach out and let them in!
Sometimes, the strongest and most put together person you know, may have actually gone through the same dark despair that you’re experiencing today, you just may not realize it. Be real, reach out to others and ask for help.
Realize that there is Hope
Yep, I’m going to say it again, there is hope. I am living proof that there is. My life is not perfect, if it ever looked that way to any of you or to anyone who sees me from day to day, I just want to say “I’m sorry!”
I am naturally an extremely private and quiet person. I don’t want to come across as being perfect, but it’s hard for me to share the deepest most personal parts of my life. This is one of those parts, but today I hope that it brings encouragement to anyone who reads it, because you need to know there are many many “kindred spirits” who have also been through the depths of despair.
Note: I am not a medical or psychological professional, nothing in this article is intended to diagnose or offer counsel in any way, this is simply my story and a part of my journey. If you are suffering from depression or in any way need help, I encourage you to seek professional help immediately.
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