As we head into the Christmas season, I’m sure that many many boys have video games and systems on their wish lists! Mine do too!
Over the years, I have paid close attention to my boys’ reactions to different forms of media has been an amazing and enlightening experience. Today I would like to share a little bit about what I have found specifically in regards to boys and video games.
Each family needs to determine what is best for them, but I strongly believe that children left to their own devices in regards to freedom with video games can result in ruining your family’s peace and togetherness as well as your son’s attitude! I only say this because I have seen it first hand many times and have learned from it.
There are several ways that video games affect children, there is no one set reaction to them in every child and I am only speaking from experience with boys – though girls may have similar reactions too. Here’s a couple of basics and I’ll go into a little more detail below:
The Good: There are many games out there that are simply fun to play and even promote interaction between the children as they are playing. There is no one gaming platform that I would recommend or say is terrible! It is simply a matter of what is put into that system that makes all the difference in the world.
The Bad: It is really not a good idea for boys’ adrenaline level to be at it’s peak for extended periods of time – they will react to it . . . and not usually in a positive way. But with supervision, you can tell when things are going downhill for each child and take the appropriate measures.
The Ugly: There is a gray area that becomes shadowier and shadowier over years of being desensitized to violent and disturbing games. If the game is filled with the killing and destroying of people and property it has a tendency to lose the shock value. They simply create a very deeply confusing situation for young boys who are still learning appropriate and inappropriate behaviors.
OK, so now that we have covered some of the basics, here’s a little more detailed information to help you set up a good rule system for gaming in your home, recognize the warning signs that your son has had enough, and how to talk to them about things they may have been exposed to at a friend’s house.
The Reactions
Each of my boys has a different reaction when they have been playing too long, and through talking to many of my friends with boys I have found that this is common throughout. I can tell you this – regardless of how mild the game they are playing, boys have their own internal time limit that becomes obvious with close observation.
Here’s a few common reactions: One of our sons gets emotional and his face even turns red if he hasn’t had enough breaks. Another one gets quiet and withdrawn, almost confused. Yet another of our sons gets very angry and just has a bad attitude. The following sections offer information that really help set your child (and you) up for a positive experience!
Reasonable Time Limits
Someone may read the information about reactions and think why in the world would you let them play at all? Well, with proper time limits and boundaries, the experience can be fun and rewarding for the boys, it’s all in the way we handle it as parents. When boys are given time limits (having a little timer specifically for the purpose is a great idea) you can almost always avoid negative reactions. Here’s a few ideas:
- Time limits are best if they stay the same all the time – consistency is always a good thing, no surprises.
- Boys do best if they are only allowed to play a maximum of 30 minutes in one sitting. May not seem like much, but getting a much needed breather for 15 minutes before they go back can mean all the difference in the world to how they behave for the rest of the day. If you have more than one child who wants to play it is the perfect solution to taking turns.
- They need a maximum gaming time limit: 1 hour is a pretty good total gaming time limit. If you have more than one child, the total time gaming is going on may be longer, but for each individual child it is worth it to stick to your guns. You can even set up a gaming time in the morning and a separate one in the evening, just schedule it according to what you want and need, as well as based on the experiences you have observed in each child.
Earning Gaming Time
This idea goes very well with the time limit setting and in some ways it can be even more effective in limiting them. I love using gaming as a great reward and incentive! It is also not uncommon for us to take away their time or system as a punishment. The trick is that if they earn more than you usually allow for your gaming time limits, it is fine to break it up into segments (morning, evening).
Earning Time: If your children have a chore list it is easy to write in how many minutes they will earn if they complete each task on their list for the entire week. For extra jobs you want done simply tell the boys the value of each job . . . for example: raking leaves earns you 15 minutes of game time, emptying the dishwasher earns you 10 minutes of game time.
Losing Time: On the flip side of that, they can lose time based on behavior and incomplete chore lists! Behavior is a serious thing around here and we have occasionally had to take gaming time away based on their horrible behavior during their video game time from the previous week.
Days Off
I really do believe that it is a healthy thing to have certain days where children can expect to be allowed to play video games! Because our children know that they are only allowed to play Xbox on Saturdays they don’t nag us about it all week! There was a time where we didn’t have a moments peace with incessant begging to play video games – oh how I began to detest it all! Simply making one consistent day and occasionally allowing another day as a special treat made it a much more peaceful situation!
Type of Games – Your Family Guidelines
The games they have and are allowed to play vary based on how we feel about them (check out the ERSB rating system), but as a rule only Early Childhood and Everyone (not 10+) games are allowed in our home.
This can become difficult when they are given a game as a gift that we feel is inappropriate or simply too close to that boundary. Unfortunately not everyone notices the ratings or shares the same standards we do.
This leads to a bit of a situation for parents . . . having to be the “bad guy”! Bottom line, if the game doesn’t fall into your chosen boundaries and limits it needs to be returned or thrown away. The giver doesn’t need to know about it, this is YOUR family’s rule, not theirs, so discretion is definitely key here – for you and your children. A family meeting to go over all of this may be just the ticket to avoid opening unwanted games so that they can be returned as well as appropriate reactions on the children’s part to receiving these gifts.
This may not seem like a big deal and I know many parents who do not believe it is, but the fact of the matter is . . . boys have a hard time truly separating game and reality. When a child plays a violent game for the first time they would usually tell you that it bothered them if you asked – that is a big red flag!
Boys are drawn to excitement and adrenaline (thus their love for big amusement park rides) and it becomes a strangely mixed experience for them. They are disturbed and upset about it but feel very drawn to it at the same time. This is honestly a very confusing thing for them and it does help them to sort it out if they are able to talk to a parent about it. It is not uncommon for parents to suddenly experience this with their children after they have visited a friend.
When at A Friends House
Information is a key ingredient for your child’s success! This area is no exception. It really doesn’t hurt to go over a few basics about visiting friends houses in the meeting I mentioned above. The questions will come up, just sit down as parents to discuss and set your boundaries beforehand so that you have a simple yet clear plan for your children to follow.
If they are at a friends house it can be very confusing to them if they don’t know what to do. It is not uncommon for them to feel very uncomfortable with situations at another person’s house, media is no exception. But giving your child the tools to know how to react if their friend begins playing a game that they are uncomfortable with can save them a lot of grief.
Here’s a few suggestions for your child: First it is easiest to take it up with the friend, they can simply ask to play another game, or even ask to do something else entirely! That step may be enough to avoid the situation easily. If that doesn’t work, the child can go play by themselves, ask their friend’s parent if there’s something else they can do, or if they are very uncomfortable, they can simply call home for help. Your child simply needs to know that they don’t have to be in a situation like that. We need to protect our young children! There is plenty of time when they are teens and college age for them to learn to just “make it work” – childhood is not that time!
This is by no means an all inclusive list of the situations and experiences encountered through video games, but simply intended to help you navigate the waters I have already been in and learned from! I hope that it encourages you and helps give you fresh perspective today. Life with boys is an exciting, exhilarating and messy place to be, but it’s worth it every day!