“Praying is no easy matter. It demands a relationship in which you allow someone other than yourself to enter into the very center of your person, to see there what you would rather leave in darkness, and to touch there what you would rather leave untouched. Why would you really want to do that?”
~Henri Nouwen~
As a child I learned to keep my thoughts and feelings for the most part to myself. Sharing with others was a dangerous thing to do and led to ridicule, teasing and disapproval. As an adult I have spent many years trying to learn how to open up safely, to become real again and to admit my humanness and faults.
I also needed to accept the fact that I am loved by my wonderful Creator ~ and that, right there surpasses all else! My husband showed me unconditional and freeing love ~ my glimpse at what my Loving Heavenly Father felt for me! I learned and changed so much the first year of our marriage. I guess you could say that I came out of my shell, realizing that I am not a lowlier being than all those around me, but that God created me to be who I am and that is good enough!
Huge steps were made, and I was beginning to understand how God sees me, but that road was long. Prayer is something that I have been focusing a little more specifically on for about a year now. How to pray, effective prayer, prayer basics . . . but I have to admit with 6 sons I mostly find myself praying fervently! As a parent the reality of my failure and human nature is embarrassing sometimes and to be honest I almost think it is worse when I have to put those parenting failures before my children’s Creator! This is where the quote above becomes a serious reality for me!
Logically I know that they are a Gift, given to us to raise and to teach, but they ultimately are His! He created them and knows their future and it is my responsibility to help guide them toward His purpose for them! All too often this is forgotten in the everyday-ness of life and the realities of parenting human children. So I come before Him (and them) and have to be real, He knows me, He sees my heart and knows my deeds, I cannot hide, I cannot run.
But do I want to run and hide? No, not really, it is what helps me grow and stay humble and change. If I am able to stick my head in the sand and never admit I am wrong or know that I am accountable to Him for my actions I . . . well, I hate to think of the results of living that way. Some may think that being able to hide everything makes things nice and tidy, I couldn’t live with that.
Yes, it can be hard to come before Him and admit my faults. But afterward . . . . the release, peace and freedom – AHH! A sigh to let it all go and just Praise Him! That is “Why” I want to let Him in and develop a stronger, closer, daily relationship with God through prayer!